For Christmas 2008, my sister gave J.J. and me (doesn't that sound like the most awkward grammar ever? But I think it's right!) tickets to see a concert by Brett Dennen, an artist of whom I had never heard. The concert was to take place on February 27, the last day of operation of a venue called the Music Mill on the northside of Indianapolis; this was one of our favorite concert venues. Katie also included a copy of a Brett Dennen CD ("So Much More", for anyone who cares) which sat, forgotten, on the bar in the kitchen for well over a month.
Finally, a little over a week before J.J.'s stroke, I decided we should start listening to the CD in preparation to attend the show. One Saturday as we were going to do our grocery shopping, I popped it in to the CD player in my car. And out came the most low-key, mellow music imaginable. Way different than the raucous, thumping beats that usually can be heard in my car. So while we were listening to it, J.J. and I did what we did best--mocked it mericilessly.
"Is Nyquil one of the major sponsors of his tour?" J.J. wondered. I contributed that the drink special at this concert must be warm milk. We both came to consensus that Brett's backup band must consist of the sheep from the Serta commercials and that instead of throwing guitar picks into the audience, pillows were the obvious choice.
It goes without saying that we didn't attend that concert on February 27, 12 days after J.J.'s stroke. Katie did, and she said it was a terrific show.
A few weeks ago, I was cleaning out my car and rediscovered this CD. And I don't know if it's because my life is so much different that I'm yearning for something more mellow, but I'm finding that I really enjoy the music. It's in heavy rotation in my car now.
Yesterday while we were out running errands, J.J. asked me who was singing on the CD. I answered, "Brett Dennen". He said, "It's...nice".
I'm so grateful that I still have J.J. in my life. But I really, really do miss his sense of humor.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sometimes...
Out of nowhere, our situation will hit me all over again. As it did this morning at work, when this song came up on my MP3 player...
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
(Snow Patrol, "Run")
The chorus really gets me. Since I can't hear J.J.'s voice--at least not the voice I associate as being J.J.'s--and may never hear it again...
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
(Snow Patrol, "Run")
The chorus really gets me. Since I can't hear J.J.'s voice--at least not the voice I associate as being J.J.'s--and may never hear it again...
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Stroke Box
Goal for the evening--create some kind of order in this box, which is all the paperwork dealing with J.J.'s stroke. Been putting it off. Tired of dealing with stroke stuff. But can't NOT do this stuff anymore.
Erin's life goal--confront it, head on.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Happiness
I sincerely hope that none of you ever find yourself facing a situation like we've had over the last five months and change. But if you do, I'd like to let you in on a little secret.
In the first few days after J.J.'s stroke, I was too numb to feel much of anything. When I did notice an emotion, it was usually sadness or fear. I did enjoy J.J.'s successes and felt a sense of triumph when he accomplished something that we wondered if he'd ever do again. As time went on, anger crept into my emotional repertoire, as well as gratitude.
The emotion I didn't feel, though, was happiness. I've been accused of being an eternal optimist, and this is a title I've worn with pride. It doesn't take much to get me laughing; in fact, it's often the case that I get laughing and can't stop. But for weeks after J.J.'s stroke, I wondered if I'd ever feel anything approaching happiness again.
From where I am today, I can reassure you that, if you do find yourself in my shoes, the happiness comes back. It doesn't happen overnight, and it's so gradual that you might not notice it for a very long time. The first few times I laughed after J.J.'s stroke, I often ended up crying as well. Expect that your emotions will run close to the surface and will be all in a muddle for a long time. Also, don't be afraid to laugh at your situation. "Gallows humor" has pulled me through more than once.
Today, it has been 156 days since our lives changed forever. And I can tell you that we've never been happier, both together and separately.
It's worth the wait.
In the first few days after J.J.'s stroke, I was too numb to feel much of anything. When I did notice an emotion, it was usually sadness or fear. I did enjoy J.J.'s successes and felt a sense of triumph when he accomplished something that we wondered if he'd ever do again. As time went on, anger crept into my emotional repertoire, as well as gratitude.
The emotion I didn't feel, though, was happiness. I've been accused of being an eternal optimist, and this is a title I've worn with pride. It doesn't take much to get me laughing; in fact, it's often the case that I get laughing and can't stop. But for weeks after J.J.'s stroke, I wondered if I'd ever feel anything approaching happiness again.
From where I am today, I can reassure you that, if you do find yourself in my shoes, the happiness comes back. It doesn't happen overnight, and it's so gradual that you might not notice it for a very long time. The first few times I laughed after J.J.'s stroke, I often ended up crying as well. Expect that your emotions will run close to the surface and will be all in a muddle for a long time. Also, don't be afraid to laugh at your situation. "Gallows humor" has pulled me through more than once.
Today, it has been 156 days since our lives changed forever. And I can tell you that we've never been happier, both together and separately.
It's worth the wait.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Lost at Sea (Or, Why J.J. Doesn't Wear a Wedding Ring)
I just lost a whole post. So let me try this again...
Two weeks before we got married, J.J. and I bought our wedding rings. Matching plain gold bands with a little ring of etching at the top and bottom, they were very simple and inexpensive. But they were ours, and they showed the world that we were married, and we loved them. I still have mine, although it's been stored away for safe keeping. J.J.'s, on the other hand--well, let's just say that it's probably somewhere in our house. He remembers taking it off one night and placing it on his nightstand. When he went to get it the next morning, it was gone. It's been six years and we still haven't found it.
Over the years J.J. has discussed getting another wedding ring, but he's never found anything that was exactly what he wanted. Until we were in Ketchikan, AK. 14k yellow gold and black coral, this band was significantly more expensive than his first. Beautiful, strong and distinctive, it looked incredible on his finger.
For the next eighteen hours.
You see, it was really about a full size too big for J.J. when we picked it up from having it sized, but he thought it would be okay. He remembers having it on when we went to bed that night. He got up at 3:30 a.m. to go watch the sun rise (remember, in Alaska at this time of year, sunrise is realy early). He traveled to the top of the ship, realized it was raining, and headed back to our room. Which is where he discovered that his ring was missing.
We turned that cabin inside out looking for it before J.J. went to the front desk to report that it was missing. They sent Security to "help us look for it". Security all but strip searched us, making us turn out every pocket. They pawed through my purse, opened every drawer, even went through our dirty clothes and trash. Apparently it's fairly common for people to report a "just purchased" item of jewelry missing to commit insurance fraud. Whatever the case may be, it was a little much to take at 5:30 a.m. By the time Security left, I was furious with J.J. and with the whole situation.
Eventually I realized, so what? Yes, I would rather have had him not lose his ring, but I still have my husband and we're still married. That's what's important. Who knows, maybe his original ring will still turn up. If not, well, we can still buy another ring someday. I can almost guarantee that he'll get it sized right this time!
So in case you ever wondered, that's why J.J. doesn't wear a wedding ring. Feel free to tease him about it. Lord knows I do!
Two weeks before we got married, J.J. and I bought our wedding rings. Matching plain gold bands with a little ring of etching at the top and bottom, they were very simple and inexpensive. But they were ours, and they showed the world that we were married, and we loved them. I still have mine, although it's been stored away for safe keeping. J.J.'s, on the other hand--well, let's just say that it's probably somewhere in our house. He remembers taking it off one night and placing it on his nightstand. When he went to get it the next morning, it was gone. It's been six years and we still haven't found it.
Over the years J.J. has discussed getting another wedding ring, but he's never found anything that was exactly what he wanted. Until we were in Ketchikan, AK. 14k yellow gold and black coral, this band was significantly more expensive than his first. Beautiful, strong and distinctive, it looked incredible on his finger.
For the next eighteen hours.
You see, it was really about a full size too big for J.J. when we picked it up from having it sized, but he thought it would be okay. He remembers having it on when we went to bed that night. He got up at 3:30 a.m. to go watch the sun rise (remember, in Alaska at this time of year, sunrise is realy early). He traveled to the top of the ship, realized it was raining, and headed back to our room. Which is where he discovered that his ring was missing.
We turned that cabin inside out looking for it before J.J. went to the front desk to report that it was missing. They sent Security to "help us look for it". Security all but strip searched us, making us turn out every pocket. They pawed through my purse, opened every drawer, even went through our dirty clothes and trash. Apparently it's fairly common for people to report a "just purchased" item of jewelry missing to commit insurance fraud. Whatever the case may be, it was a little much to take at 5:30 a.m. By the time Security left, I was furious with J.J. and with the whole situation.
Eventually I realized, so what? Yes, I would rather have had him not lose his ring, but I still have my husband and we're still married. That's what's important. Who knows, maybe his original ring will still turn up. If not, well, we can still buy another ring someday. I can almost guarantee that he'll get it sized right this time!
So in case you ever wondered, that's why J.J. doesn't wear a wedding ring. Feel free to tease him about it. Lord knows I do!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Dr. Acula's Back!
Dr. Acula is finally back from his disability leave (apparently, he hurt his leg badly in an accident. Don't know any more about it than that), so J.J. finally got his three month checkup today. Yes, I know it will have been five months since the stroke in a few hours. But oh well.
Since I'm still trying desperately to get everything in my life caught up from being on vacation, here's the short version, most important points first:
1. J.J. is recovering much better than anyone could have dared hope. He is already estimated to have 80% of his language ability back. And considering he was entirely nonverbal there for a while, this is awesome news.
2. His language will continue to improve and should actually see the greatest period of refinement within the next three months. His physical recovery is probably about complete; since the only physical impact J.J. has left is an intermittent numbness along the sides of the fingers on his right hand, this is not a gigantic concern for us.
3. J.J. will, barring any further issues, be released to go back to work on August 24. He still has to receive clearance from the cardiologist, but the neurologist was the biggest obstacle.
4. J.J. has lost another 22 lbs. this month, bringing his grand total weight loss to eleventy billion pounds or so.
5. Dr. Acula still wants to see J.J. lose another 75 lbs.
6. At the rate J.J.'s going, this should be accomplished around next Tuesday afternoon.
7. I'm just a smidge bitter :)
8. Dr. Acula was scarily pleasant.
Oh yeah, everything else is going well here. I'll update more very soon (hopefully!)
Since I'm still trying desperately to get everything in my life caught up from being on vacation, here's the short version, most important points first:
1. J.J. is recovering much better than anyone could have dared hope. He is already estimated to have 80% of his language ability back. And considering he was entirely nonverbal there for a while, this is awesome news.
2. His language will continue to improve and should actually see the greatest period of refinement within the next three months. His physical recovery is probably about complete; since the only physical impact J.J. has left is an intermittent numbness along the sides of the fingers on his right hand, this is not a gigantic concern for us.
3. J.J. will, barring any further issues, be released to go back to work on August 24. He still has to receive clearance from the cardiologist, but the neurologist was the biggest obstacle.
4. J.J. has lost another 22 lbs. this month, bringing his grand total weight loss to eleventy billion pounds or so.
5. Dr. Acula still wants to see J.J. lose another 75 lbs.
6. At the rate J.J.'s going, this should be accomplished around next Tuesday afternoon.
7. I'm just a smidge bitter :)
8. Dr. Acula was scarily pleasant.
Oh yeah, everything else is going well here. I'll update more very soon (hopefully!)
Monday, July 6, 2009
Back
We're home from Alaska. Hit our door at about 11:00 a.m. yesterday, and, as we hadn't slept the night before, spent much of the day asleep. Today's been a whirlwind of activity getting caught up on everything, getting the kids back, getting Eli's 4-H poster finished and submitted and going to Leah's first swimming lesson of the new session. Tomorrow I will try to give you a full update (complete with pictures, even).
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